Scootpocalypse Now!

Scooters.The proverbial turd in the punch bowl.The fart in church.The endless stream of red lights when you need to get home to poop. We all know them, and we all hate them. But I’m here to face reality. I’m here to go upside your head with the right cross of authority. I’m gonna say what needs to be said. Scooters, aren’t that bad. Now hold on. Before you exit the page, and delete it from your browser history, hear me out. Scooters really are the future. We are all getting old, and with age comes certain issues. Balance is one of the first things to suffer after 40. The older you get, the more wobbly you get. There is a reason you don’t see 25 year olds on the Life alert commercials saying “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up”.  Those people are all old. So, who wouldn’t really like to have something to lean on? Something like…..I don’t know…. Handlebars? Hell yes!!! Handlebars rule. Now, you may not be on board yet, but please. Keep reading. How many of us really wish we were man enough to ride a Harley, but never got permission from the old lady to buy one? With handlebars, you can cruise through the skate park pretending you’re on a Harley. You can even make vroom vroom noises while you roll. Just be sure you have an excuse for when your homie asks what you were saying as you rolled by him.

“Dude, did you just say “vroom vroom??”

“What? No, lol. I said give me room room, cuz Imma bout to bust a sick trick. But you didn’t move, so that’s why I just rolled by, and didn’t do anything.”

Still not on the scooter train? Ok, this one will get you no doubt. Scooters are punk rock. Yep, I said it. Scooters are punk rock. All old skaters love old punk rock. We go to the skate park in our old Black Flag t-shirts, and talk about all the old shows we went to back in the day. Even though we all love to sit back, pour a glass of a nice white wine, put on headphones, and listen to the newest Taylor Swift song. No? Just me? Ok, moving on. Scooters are punk rock. Think about it this way. What’s more punk rock than blood and scars? And what better way to bleed and get scars than riding a scooter? The shinner you get doing a swaggy tail whip? That’s punk rock gold right there. And think about how much street cred you’ll get with an Instagram selfie of your bloody chin, when you slip off the floor board and smash your face on the cross bar. So badass.

I know, you still aren’t on the scooter band wagon. That’s cool. I’m used to being ahead of my time. I was one of the first guys to take a SUP out into the lineup at Swamis. But I promise you this. Scooters are gonna be big. Hugely big.Bigly huge.You’re gonna look silly riding a goofy 4 wheeled plank of wood, and you’re gonna look back and think, “that idiot was right”

Now, I’ve been wrong once or twice in my life, so I may be wrong here. But I’ll leave that up to the future. In the meantime, I’ll see you at Zumiez. Peace out bro’s. Shakashaka. ~JW

(Disclaimer: Fuck scooters. This was clearly a joke.) 

Keep skating, OldManSkateSesh

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(📸: Donnie Bartley)

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 (📸: Donnie Bartley)

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 (📸: Donnie Bartley)

Steve ZancoComment